If you ever fart in an important situation like a job interview or losing your virginity, just whip up a quick batch of egg salad.

No one will ever know!

A good way to make a cool rapper name for yourself is to put the word “Money” after your name, but it doesn’t work too good if your name is “Don’t Got No.”

A good way to make a cool DJ name is to put “DJ” in front of anything.

I’m trying to say “Quit frontin’!” only twice a day, but I’ll tell you, it’s tough.

To name your kid “Beluga” is cute and clever for a few years, but it starts getting pretty old when they turn 35.

Today I went to the gynecologist. She was very overweight and this is what I said:
“What the heck are ya?! An Obese-G-Y-N?!”

This is a slice of not only my life, but also a slice of someone else’s

customer: is this chocolate?
me: yes.
customer: mmm. chocolate.
(she puts chocolate powder on her cappuccino.)
(a draft makes some fall onto the counter.)
customer: oh. i’m getting it all over the counter.
me: that’s okay, the counter loves it.
(no response)
me: this counter, it always says to me, “I’m such a chocoholic!”
(no response)
me: but i don’t know what to make of that.
customer: thanks for the coffee.
me: okay, bye.
(the customer leaves)
counter (to me): don’t sell me out like that, asshole.

The Thong Poem

This thing right here
is lettin’ all the ladies know
What guys talk about,
you know?
The finer things in life–
hahaha
Check it out.

Ooh dat dress so scandalous
and ya know another n’ couldn’t handle it,
see ya shakin’ that thang like who’s da ish
with a look in ya eye so devilish

Uh!
Ya like to dance at all the
hip
hop
spots
and ya cruise to the crews like connect.da.dots,
not just urban, she likes the pop
cuz she was livin la vida loca

She had
dumps like a truck truck Truck!
thighs like what what What?
baby move your butt butt Butt!

Uh!

I think to sing it again!

She had dumps like a truck truck Truck!
thighs like what what What?
All night long…
Let me see that thong…

I like it when the beat goes Da! Na! Da! Na!
Baby make your booty go Da! Na! Da! Na!
Girl I know you wanna show Da! Na! Da! Na!
That thong ththong thongthong
I like it when the beat goes Da! Na! Da! Na!
Baby make your booty go Da! Na! Da! Na!
Girl I know you wanna show Da! Na! Da! Na!
That thong ththong thongthong

that Girl so scandalous
and I know another n’ couldn’t handle it,
and she shakin’ that thang like who’s da ish
with a look in her eye so devilish

Uh!
She like to dance at all the
hip
hop
spots
And she cruise to the crews like connect.da.dots,
not just urban, she likes the pop
cuz she was livin la vida loca

Whoaaa!
That dress so scandalous
and I swear another n’ couldn’t handle it,
See ya shakin’ that thang like who’s da ish
with a look in her eye so devilish

Whoaaa!
She like to dance at all the
hip
hop
spots
And she cruise to the crews like connect.da.dots,
not just urban, she likes the pop
cuz she was livin la vida loca

Whoaaa!

She had
dumps like a truck truck Truck!
thighs like what what What?
baby move your butt butt Butt!

Ooh!
Uh, think to sing it again,
cuz she had dumps like a truck truck Truck!
thighs like what what What?
baby move your butt butt Butt!
Uh, think to sing it again
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on

Yeahhhh! Yeah.

Whoa!
Uh, alright…
Uh, whoa yeah?
Ooh?
Whoa!
I like it when the beat goes Da! Na! Da! Na!
Baby make your booty go Da! Na! Da! Na!
Girl I know you wanna show Da! Na! Da! Na!
Baby,
That thong ththong thongthong

I like it when the beat goes Da! Na! Da! Na!
Baby make your booty go Da! Na! Da! Na!
Girl I know you wanna show Da! Na! Da! Na!
That
Thong
Th
Thong
Thong
Thong

Ageism is less bad and also funnier than racism, but racism really never got a fair crack because bigotry is generally shunned

There’s a new movie. It’s a sequel. It’s called “14 going on 31.” It explores the same types of things that its predecessor did, namely Jennifer Garner’s acting range.

Also, there is a new sequel called “17 Again.” “Again” is in italics. Zac Efron lived 20 years then got sent back to high school, and he was Chandler! From Friends!

“Friends” is in italics only because it was a show.

Also, there is a new sequel called “FREAKY Friday.” “Freaky is in italics and all caps. It is not a sequel. It’s about three workin’ ladies who have a rough week but get they freak on at the club, come Friday. It has nothing to do with Friends, outside of the fact that the shared love interest of the three leads is Matt LeBlanc.

This is taken from a Variety review of R. Kelly’s 11/5 concert at LA’s Nokia Theater:

“Most jaw-dropping were Kelly’s sung instructions to his stagehands–’Somebody move this goddamn rug/I almost tripped three times’–which he repeated with increasingly soulfulness until one nearly forgot that it was not, strictly speaking, an actual song.”

Bumper sticker idea:

“My other car is a…shoot. I thought I could think of a punchline in the time that it took me to set up the joke, but the setup didn’t take very long a’tall. There’s no joke. My bad.”